It’s Not Too Late To Post My 20 New Years Resolutions, Probably
1. Put butter in right butter shelf spot in refrigerator.
2. Don’t eat beans out of can. Put them in corn can and mix.
3. Figure out race.
4. Try to be more open with doors.
5. Let friends come over to apartment now that smell is gone.
6. Get more keys made. Just in case there is a key shortage because of a famine.
7. Start more feuds with rappers.
8. Call all exes and explain confused feelings toward them.
9. Make sure my emergency contact is worth it.
10. Look into my finances because I think they might have an alcohol problem or pills.
11. Read more. HAHAHAHAHA.
12. Change cat burial spot. Is getting noticeable.
13. Don’t go into neighbors’ apartments without permission a lot.
14. Make up mind about working hard or hardly working because not nothing and nothing is getting done.
15. Don’t jump to conclusions unless they’re going to lead to interesting rumors.
16. Just breathe versus whatever I’ve been doing because I’ve been passing out a lot lately.
17. Put up emotional walls so when I start dating someone I can say “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall” and he’ll be like “Uh check please?” and we won’t even be at a restaurant; we’ll be at an apartment, probably one of my neighbors’.
18. Stop talking to a tea cup because I think it might feel anxiety about not being as big as the other dishes and like I get that because I’m only 5 foot three.
19. See if rosaries are still big. Act accordingly.
20. Get bitchin’ car with wings on it.
